I'm not really sure what I expected from this year, but I don't think I really got what I thought I would. As I look back, I see that the only thing to do really, is to turn around and keep moving forward.
Yes, I suppose I should take a peek to serve as a reminder of what went well, what didn't and how I should make things better, but I can't, and I don't really want to. Time marches on.
My memory most defiantly needs improving. I can't really remember what I did yesterday, let alone what I did at the beginning of the year. Memories are really nothing more than the emotion that you feel when you think back on a moment. Those moments tend to flee from me if I don't write them down.
When I go back over my journals, they were filled with financial whoa, house hunting and lists (lots of lists). Mostly grocery lists, what the kids need for school or what they wanted me to buy. As I was reading back through the entries one nagging emotion kept creeping to my mind, fear.
Fear is a pain. A pain of uncertainty and unbelief. It's not that I don't have faith that things will work out, it was the anticipation of when. When will things get better, when will I feel happy or fulfilled or even not so alone in the process of this never ending waiting game?
The other emotion that I keep feeling is a deep seeded feeling that I never dare say out loud, but it has been driving every emotion that I have lately. It's the emotion of a passionless life. Where has my passion gone? There's so much that I want to accomplish in this short span of life that is given, but I can't seem to get out of my own way and do the things I really want to do. Some would say it's just a "season". I don't buy that anymore. I've read and seen too many people doing all the things that I want to do and experience. So what's stopping me? I think it goes back to fear. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just not as ambitious I think I am.
I know this. I have to start being really real and true to who I am and serve the purpose in which I was set here to do.
Jen
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