I don't wanna...

really write a blog post today. My heart is very heavy and I have a lot on my mind that I'm still trying to sort through. I'll get like this from time to time. I know that I am in good company because some of the most influential people in the world get a little heavy hearted from time to time as well.

I have been thinking a lot lately about Christ's sacrifice. A couple of days ago I watch the Passion of the Christ for the first time all the way through. It was visually hard to watch. As I made myself watch different scriptures kept coming to mind, and I began to really wonder what it must have been like to walk in the presence of Jesus for 3 years like his disciples, or to have known Jesus his whole life, like his mother, Mary. Or even to have known him for only a shorter time as Mary Magdalene did, or even to have just met Jesus like the Roman Soldier. Would I have been so affected then as I am now?

I remember being asked when I was younger if I had lived when Jesus did, if I would have been a Christ follower. I believe that my answer stands as a YES. Because God's Word says that "His Sheep know His Voice" (John 10:27) and that all that are his will be brought into the fold (John 10:16). Still I wonder what it would have been like to have seen, heard, maybe even touch Jesus while he was walking this earth. Would my heart hurt like it does now for my friends that are going through hardships? Would I be so quick tempered with my family or so quick to think I'm always right? That...I do not know.

I suppose that is part of the reason I feel so heavy in the heart today. I know that I have to change. I have a strong desire to be a better person, but I realize that I'm trying to change me (or I feel like others are trying to change me), and I'm not letting the Master do the changing. I have this want to just take a few days and be in solitude (a dream for me since I'm a mom of 3!) and just seek God and be in His presence, yet I wonder if it would do any good. Even Paul said that he struggled with what he wanted to do and what he actually did (Romans 7:15-20).

OK so there it is...what is on my mind. My friends that are going through a season of loss, my friends who are hurting for others, may family as they continue to grow, and for my friends who are lost...my heart is heavy.

~Peace & Blessings~
Jen